Cathartic Ink

putting my own spin on things

it all falls apart so fast…

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I’m having a hard time with this. I’m agitated a lot. I
vented at Derek earlier, its just so unfair. I pace, I can’t concentrate, I find myself wringing my hands a lot, I’m
surprised I haven’t reverted to chewing on my nails, but I find I’m eating a lot more than I ought to be, just to keep
my hands busy. I need to work on my thesis but I’m having a hard time finding the patience and the desire. I’m
exhausted a lot (which actually isn’t new at all) but its very tempting to curl up and sleep away my worry. I stare at
the phone a lot, willing it to ring with good news, and terrified to answer it when it does ring. I fear becoming even
more bitter and cynical than I was before, and I really fear falling back into the spiral of depression that I lived in
for more of my life than I’d have liked to. I talk to my mom about how worried and stressed I am, but at the same time
I feel bad about doing it because she’s just as bad off as I am, probably worse. I’m just glad that I have her, and my
dad. I keep telling myself Sarah’s going to be okay, but the truth is that I’ve been finding it hard to believe
myself. I cry a lot. I’m a cry-er anyway, but this has a reason and a source, and I’m scared to death…I’ll be okay,
I know how strong I am, underneath it all, I just need to get through minute by minute at this point.

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